Seriously!
by randomgenius
Summary: Astoria Greengrass has had quite enough of this "Reading the Books" thing, thank you very much.
1. Chapter 1

_Summary: Astoria Greengrass has had quite enough of this "Reading the Books" thing, thank you very much._

**AN: So, apparently FF has decided to ban the Reading the Books fics. Makes me sad, as I actually kinda liked those (in principle. Sadly, most of them had absolutely no plot at all.) I mean, I get it with the whole copyright laws and all that jazz, but... :( Anyways, I was reading one that slipped past the Great Purge the other night, and I got to thinking about how invasive these things were. I mean, every thought, every experience Harry's had being read aloud to a group of people who either hate him or don't know him? I chose Astoria as my avatar, because she's a pureblood, so she should know the laws, and her poor character has been manhandled throughout half of the meme's hype. Anyhoo, enjoy!**

Once upon a lovely day in Hogwarts, an enormous toad was humming absently to herself whilst musing in her florid pink office. This was a rather odd sight, as it normally would pose quite a challenge for a toad to hum, muse, or sit upright, but then this was Hogwarts.

Across from her, a second year Hufflepuff (who had been sentenced to two weeks detention for stepping on Mrs. Norris's tail) was silently crying as he carved into his own flesh, "I will not harm kitties".

Quite relaxing.

The particular topic this particular toad was musing upon was the topic of one Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lied. It would seem that corporal punishment was doing him no good at all, unfortunately.

The toad paused to smirk at the hapless Hufflepuff.

The little brat was still so... spirited. It was annoying, to see how he'd still bother fighting back. No, it'd seem that she needed something to really get to the boy, something to shatter him, something to shut his lying mouth for good.

The poor little second year jerked, horrified, as she began to giggle maniacally. What did he do to deserve this? He'd never done anything- _Oh, hey, why was the ground tilting that way? Woooah._

Yes, a way to put that brat in his place would be quite nice. But what could she possibly-

As if the gods themselves were listening in, a dramatic bang and flash of light brought her (diminutive) brain to a halt. For, sitting in the middle of her desk (ruining the Hufflepuff's last ten lines of his own blood) was a set of books!

Ignoring the now hysterical Hufflepuff, who was muttering something about blood loss and the Hospital Wing, she snatched up the note on top of the books (but not before examining it for curses or tricks, for she was a clever toad!).

It read:

Hello, Madam Undersecretary Umbridge!

I am from... the future!

Due to the lies and machinations of one Harry J. Potter, I regret to inform you our future is littered with horror, destruction, and unruly children.  
When examining where it all went wrong, we found that you, the heroic defender of the Ministry, had been ignored!

In order to completely erase our timeline, making a better future, we have sent you these books containing the life and lies of Mr. Potter, from his first year at Hogwarts to his last. I recomend you read them in a very public fashion, so everyone may know of his deception.

Wishing you the best of luck,

The Future.

The toad (who was apparently named Umbridge) gasped. It was a dream come true!

Still disregarding the Hufflepuff, who by now had collapsed from blood loss and emotional trauma, she snatched up her microphone (of course, it wasn't referred to as a microphone because those were nasty, common Muggle objects) and announced that all students and faculty were to cancel their current activities and report to the Great Hall.

The last thing the little Hufflepuff heard before he awoke in the Hospital Wing two day later was the maniacal laughter of Madam Umbridge, the Lady Toad, as she went to fulfill her destiny.

**Poor little Hufflepuff. :( Just wait for your fourth year, kid, it gets worse.**


	2. Chapter 2

**So, I decided to divide this into two chapters because that was just such a dramatic ending. I mean, I'm posting them together so it doesn't really make a difference...**

**:D**

The Hall was in an uproar. No one knew why they had been summoned (the Ravenclaws were especially peeved at this, as it was getting towards the end of the year and _Didn't Umbridge know they needed to study?_), but that didn't stop them from swapping rumors.

The teachers did little to quiet the tumult, as they were currently engaged in a furious discussion of _Did _you_ know she was going to pull us out here? _and_ Doesn't she have better things to do?_ _At _all_ ?_ in a manner quite like that of their charges. As such, barely anyone noticed when she marched in.

Except for Harry Potter, who felt a strange chill of foreboding that he normally associated with his end-of-the-year chats with dear Voldie.

Perhaps he and Umbridge were soulmates.

Slowly, Lady Toad-face drew the attention of the room (her method involved much, _much_ throat clearing, and a tad bit of screaming at the end).

"I," she announced triumphantly, "have discovered books-"

The twins lept up, clapping madly. The Gryffindor table quickly joined in, followed by the rest of the hall. Umbridge's face flushed a rather interesting shade of puce.

"Hem _hem_, _excuse_ me! Mr. Weasley and Mr. Weasley, a detention each for disrespect, and please _have a seat_, all of you. Now, as I was saying, I have discovered a series of books detailing the life of Mr. Harry Potter."

Harry's mouth fell open, while his face rapidly went from white, to red, back to white, then a lovely shade of green. Ron and Hermione and exchanged concerned glances as he began swaying back and forth, looking torn between absolutely horrified and outraged.

"Over the next few day I have arranged for a cease in classes." Now the teachers looked enraged, while the students were elated. "We will be having some very _special_ guests in attendance, so please be on your _best_ behaviour, yes?"

As if on cue, the doors banged open, revealing Amelia Bones, Cornelius Fudge, and an array of aurors. They got themselves situated at the front of the hall as a current of whispers ran through the students.

"Alright, now, I do believe I'll read-" Umbridge was cut off by a third-year Slytherin named Astoria Greengrass.

"Madam Umbridge, are you sure this is completely _legal_?" Silence reigned as every head turned to see who dared contradict Umbridge (in front of the Minister, no less).

"Ms. Greengrass, please do-"

The girl cut her off again. "I'm _so_ sorry _Professor_, but I wouldn't want to be convicted as an accessory to a crime. Because, there are laws that ban that sort of invasive magic; or at least there are some in the International Statute of Secrecy regarding Muggle privacy. So, if there are privacy laws for Muggles, _obviously_ there must be some for wizards, right? It's only fair."

Everyone gawked at her. She began to look vaguely irritated.

"What is your problem? Didn't _anyone_ else realize this? I mean Granger, you're a bookworm _and_ Potter's best friend, surely _you _realized this is wrong?" Hermione, looking distinctly embarrassed, flushed.

Now it was Astoria's turn to be incredulous. She began walking towards the front of the room.

"Are you kidding me? I, a third year, pureblood _Slytherin,_ am the only one to see that this is an invasion of Potter's rights? I mean, I'm supposed to _hate_ the guy, and I noticed it! What's _wrong_ with you?" She pointed to Madam Bones. "You, especially, should have objected to this, as head of the DMLE. Then again, our Ministry has always had a few... inconsistencies. But Potter," she spoke in the general direction of the Gryffindor table now, "You Gryffindors may haven't figured this out yet, but a nice sum of gold _always_ goes a long way towards a nice relationship with the Ministry."

If Umbridge's face was puce before, now it was a satisfying maroon, while Fudge was a light pink. "_Ms. Greengrass_-"

"Oh, and another thing!" the girl seemed to be happily ignoring the effect she was having on Umbridge. "Madam Umbridge, do you _know_ where these books came from?"

The maroon receded, to be replaced by chalky white. Harry Potter had a moment of deja vu.

"Um, well-"

"No, then. So you're saying that these books could have come from anyone, literally _anyone_, and we'd be taking them as gospel _because you told us to_? I'm afraid that's not exactly how teaching works, Professor. Of course, you never bothered to verify Slinkhard either. You know that book is seventeen years out of date? I got more information reading Lockhart's _Magical Me_! Anyways, Madam, I'm afraid that these really aren't legal, and so-" With that, she picked up the books and burned them.

Umbridge collapsed.

Astoria, looking satisfied, trotted back to the Slytherin table, who (much like the rest of the hall) seemed to still be recovering from shock. She had a brief, furious whispered conversation with a black-haired girl, her sister, and then strode out the doors.

The Greengrass family moved to France three days later.

**I made them move to France because Astoria just managed to tick off some of the most powerful people in government (and probably all of Slytherin, just for helping Harry), as well as making _very_ direct accusations of corruption in front of all of Hogwarts. It's safer to just leave (and probably healthier, too, what with the whole Voldie thing).**

**;) That was fun. It always bugged me how none of Harry's _closest friends_ and the _nearest thing to family he's ever had_ didn't object to having his privacy violated in the most scarring way possible. But now I have closure.**

**Thanks for reading, and reviews are always appreciated!**


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